The Crab Pot - Why Your Friends And Family Might Not Want You To Succeed

There is something called the "Crab Pot" theory. There are quite a few variations of the name, but i like this one. In this theory the crabs are people, and being trapped in the pot, is not succeeding. Interestingly enough, while trapped, crabs will grab on to any other crabs that are trying to escape, and hold them down. This might be unintentional, regardless, all the crabs stay trapped. The metaphor is a simple one, but when we think of  "people" in this example, do we usually consider the ones closest to us?

To me, "people," has a connotation of "ones we still don't know." I think of my friends as friends and my family as family, they are different, but also the same. Throughout this post, you can assume that when i say “family,” i am also referring to friends. The point i am trying to make with this paragraph, is that it can be hard to associate negative attributes with people we have positive relationships with.

Most people i know were raised in a way that when someone in their family did something wrong, they had to forgive them; no matter what. I am not saying this is bad, or even inappropriate, but it seems like it has become an excuse to treat our family poorly. Families should work together, and become better people together. This means that everyone in it has to pull their own weight. There has to be a goal. An ultimate destination. A tribal mind, minus any negative implications. If this is not the case in your family, some serious adjustments might need to be made, and, in the worst case, you might have to be selective. We should not remain stuck in a trap, with everyone else, for the sake of family. I want to escape, though i do not want to escape alone. Our family and friends are not allowed to hold us back, and we are not allowed to hold them back.

It is a hard truth to realize, but a truth nonetheless. Some of our friends and family have reservations about our success. Why? To put it not so simply, they love us. They want to care for us, but how do you care for someone that takes care of their self? This leaves them with fewer direct ways of expressing their efforts to maintain relevance in our lives. This usually isn't true, but is a more common thought process than it might seem.

It can be difficult to be sure of others intentions, which is why a very clear line of communication needs to be maintained. Communication is not a one way street. To be "clear," we have to be completely honest. Honesty is an accelerant for positive development among personal relationships. My suggestions on the reasons behind your family and friends holding you back, could be wrong for you. There are many reasons people do things, some of which we will never understand.

If you have ever been in a race before you might already understand that people usually do not look behind them to see who they are beating. Our friends and family often want to run in stride, and instead of them speeding up, sometimes it seems easier if they try to slow us down. When you start to do better than the people around you, they start to question their own achievements. It can be difficult to run straight at your challenges. If you are a person that does this, friends or family might be afraid to give as much effort as you, possibly in fear they might not have what it takes. Fear is a powerful thing, and it can make us unintentionally affect the ones we love. The truth is, they just want to be around us. They probably don't really want to keep us from our dreams, but they do want to keep us. They more than likely love us, and perhaps even think that succeeding would mean less time for them. Sometimes, selfishness can be beautiful, but it does not make it right.

This is a complicated issue, and needs to be thought about prospectively depending on the circumstance. If you are being emotionally abused, or receiving any abuse, you need to consider some time away. Process the memories, and make a wise decision about how you will spend your life. Although there are many great families and friends out there, there are many toxic ones too. 

Remember when I said that everyone has to pull their own weight? Imagine you were surrounded by people who wanted you to be successful, as much as they wanted to be. Imagine they were able to help themselves and you; to carry both of your weights. Now imagine you had the same outlook. If you were to work together with this individual you would be twice as efficient, and so would they.  This is the support I want. A partnership of effort, but it is a lot to ask for. Hopefully, we can count on this level of effort from our significant other, if we have one. Whether you do or not, does not matter. Both situations call for a conscious effort of selfless sacrifice that we hope to receive in return. We should not keep score, but someone might be. People should not be taken advantage of, and i think that "crossing the line" is usually obvious. Our closest relationships should be worth all the effort that it takes to remain in these people's life. If it starts to feel opposite of this, maybe you are being mistreated. 

It will always be our responsibility to exert our energy to achieve what we desire. You should never victimize yourself. When we truly aim for a state of independence, we take the weight of our life off of other people's shoulders, and we get to work for our self. This might not happen all at once, but work and sacrifice tirelessly until this is a truth that belongs to you. We are the visionaries for the construct of our life. We are the wonder that we want to build. If we do not build our self up first, the foundation of our house will crumble. Some of our friends and family will help us, some of them won't, but it will always be our choice to make wise decisions about our life. You can do it.

I leave you with a personal story that my partner, Olivia, wrote about the journey we have been, and are currently on.

""I have been blessed. Blessed with generous parents who I know will always be there to help. They are not the type to echo empty promises, and have been there for me time and time again. I am truly fortunate to have them. I never have to worry about any basic needs, or not so basic for that matter. I know many people do not have it as easy, and I am forever grateful for the amount of effort they give to their children and their family. They are inspiring, and I love them, but I know that I am a distraction from some of the things that they wish to accomplish. They willingly set aside their own goals to make sure that my sisters and I are well taken care of.

Independence is always something I have craved, and for a good while, Trav and I achieved it. Then, life happened. In our case, I am referring to a flood. Though the rental property we were living in had only minor flooding, we both worked at golf courses, and were out of work for months. The flood also led to an unplanned pregnancy, and the decision of purchasing a home that needed major reconstruction. At the time I was just finishing school, and Trav was in the process of an ongoing hunt for a permanent job. In addition to this madness, I was also dealing with the debilitation of a chronic illness. As you can imagine, financially, we had started a new chapter in our life and hardly knew it.

We found ourselves in a fluctuating state of dependency.  At this point, things have settled down in many areas. There are, however, a few dependencies we have yet to make our captive. 

The first of which being our credit card. We relied on this as a means to pay bills and purchase materials needed while working, searching for better jobs, preparing for a baby, and finishing our home. We got carried away, and despite our efforts thus far, the aftermath lingers on.  

The second dependency we still rely on is my parents generous offer to share their groceries with us, in order to cut down our expenses, and help us regain financial control. In order for this to make total sense, you should know we bought the house directly next door. To us this is a major blessing. Not only does it cut our expenses, but also my father does virtually all the cooking which saves me time and the added stress of trying to put meals together with a baby on my hip. 

At first glance this is a wonderful scenario. A beautiful example of parental love and a family helping each other out. I wish it was that simple. This week my conscience gave me a sneak peak into a different perspective which ultimately led me to a devastating conviction. The reality is we have become complacent without even realizing we lost sight. We have not put forth our best efforts to pay down our debt. We still buy the occasional unnecessary item, lunch out, the day at the zoo. We make our payments and then some, but still spend here and there on other things as well. I realize now that these “extras” have been at the expense of my generous parents the whole time. If we tried our hardest to eliminate debt we would not have the extra money to afford any of this. The longer it takes to pay off our debt the more prolonged our dependence on my parents becomes, costing them more and more along the way. 

Our intentions were never to take advantage of anyone, yet, that is exactly what we’ve been doing. These types of situations are sometimes hard to identify. Family helps family all the time. Often without asking for anything in return. There is a good chance my parents don't mind the length of time it has taken thus far; at least they don’t seem to be in any rush. This does not make it okay. They have our best intentions at heart. Why would we not also have theirs? They are not obligated to help us out for the sole purpose of being my parents. In fact, I do not think it is very wise to let people take advantage of you in any event. Perhaps they do not realize the lack of effort on our part. They are trusting us to make the right choices. They are presenting us with an opportunity and expecting us not to take it for granted. 

Being a new mom, I love to try viewing all sorts of scenarios through a perennial perspective. Not because I think my parents are wrong, but because I want to do my very best with my own daughter. Becoming complacent is easy. The choice to do so, is ultimately our own. After some thinking I came to the conclusion that on many levels, I still believe my parents will bail us out. That if we do not get our credit card paid off and save enough money for our taxes this year, that we will still somehow have food on the table, and not lose our home. My mindset is far from the independence I seek, but I am becoming more aware of my downfalls and getting closer to my goals every day. With this refreshed awareness we are making preparations to take better action. Trav and I realize that our ability to help others is dependent on our ability to help our self.""

-Liv R.