Expectations of Birth and Parenting - Diary Of A Dad

The time had finally come, Olivia was having contractions, and they were progressing quickly. In 4-8 hours, I would be a father. Like many, the uncertainty of preparation was wrapping at my mental door. All the expectations that had been indirectly planted in my mind were surfacing. Any moment this is going to be real. What if something goes bad, what if something happens to Olivia? Am I really ready to love something i don't even know? With one final push, the baby arrives, which now makes it seem like it all happened too soon. I frantically and with my boyish understanding of sentimental moments, see the baby for the first time and say, "Ohhh FU%&$K." Not my finest hour, but, surprisingly, a very accurate portrayal of how i was feeling.

Up to, approximately about the time i shared my first thoughts with my beautiful newborn, I was not sure what to think about having a child. My life had been riddled with, "sarcastically," impossible questions like, "Are you so excited about having a baby?" "Oh wow, are you so in love already?" I would always externally try to show some compassion, "Oh yeah, but, . .well, I am not to sure how to feel yet. I have never met her, and honestly, she was not planned, so my anticipation seems pretty normal." Yikes. This one always went over well with older ladies. They would look at my quizzically for a moment, before furrowing their brow and walking away; baring my shame.

Before the possibility of a child, my life was all about Olivia and i, heaven. Financially, because of having two incomes and no obligations, we crushed it. We could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with whomever we wanted, for however long. It was beautiful. Until one day, we decided, to do, each other. Bum Bum Bummmm.

So innocent.....

So here i am, 9 months later, looking at this ball of goo. Still not knowing how to feel, while simultaneously feeling intensely relaxed, with an overwhelming sense of "eliminate all threats." "I don't like the way you're looking at my baby nurse!" I know i am the one that had it easy during this process, that seems obvious. I promise, it was not easy adjusting my mindset for parenting; possibly more obvious.

For these long months, i had many people try to search for my excitement. My overwhelming joy for the new chapter that was about to begin. Luckily, my callous understanding prevented me from feeling judged or inadequate. I felt immune to the unwelcome criticism and shifty eyes, and i was.

I could not believe how so many people responded to my honesty about parenting. At a certain point, i started to be honest with people, just so i could gauge their reaction. I wanted to recognize parents that thought they had it all figured out, and thought they had me all figured out for that matter. This way i would know who to take advice from. I was not up for the task of parenting, and i needed someone to relate with me, and tell me to be patient. I did not know if love would come, and that made me feel like a bad parent before i ever started.

The reason i believe i felt uncertain about the birth of our child, was because i felt unready to expose her to the kind of person i was. We all have our own problems, but at this point in my life, one of mine, was waiting to start a career that i thought was a "guarantee" after college. It had been over 4 years since i graduated, and still no career, no healthcare, no guaranteed paycheck. I felt like i had been working so hard at everything that was not important. This was a hard perspective to view my life from, and having a child really makes you question the validity of your decisions. 

Luckily, i did some things right. I always kept learning and trying to improve myself. I kept reading after college, and continue to learn new things daily. Check out my Goodreads account if you are interested. It is linked on the side bar. I do not tell you these things to brag, but to encourage you to learn. If i can do it, anybody can do it. I was a late bloomer, i bombed in high school because i thought i was incapable of changing or learning. It would be only natural for me to feel this way about my first child. I am a skeptic, an emotionally and physically cautious individual. I do not let what people think of me define who i am. If that sounds like you, continue to be brave. For me, having a child has redefined what bravery really feels like. 

I am here to tell you that love does grow. If you do not feel an overwhelming joy about your unborn or newborn child, that is totally normal. It is a process. There is no sense in feeling worse about yourself, because you don't have feelings that are considered "normal." Just like many long term relationships, it is going to take effort and work. The best thing that you can do is be responsible and wise, and prepare yourself as best you can. Parenting is about being adaptable and having the right tools at your disposal. Not every strategy you try will work, but be patient and you will find the answers. There are difficulties about parenting, but for every bad quality, there are ten good ones. If you are looking for good material for parenting, check out the book I linked. It really helped get my mind in a good place when we were expecting, and just getting started.